Whitey's Corner

Protesters gather at the capital building in St. Louis, chanting and singing songs in Whitey's honor.

Dr. Buddy Rydell, pictured with former client

We have had our run ins in the past with Mr. Herzog, and even have our current head of advanced scouting Tom Pagnozzi in part due to Mr. Herzog's volatile nature so we understand why St. Louis might need to take this action. Additionally, if he is truly trying to get himself under control, we would like to help by recommending he seek counseling from Dr. Buddy Rydell, shown here with a former client. We hear he has worked wonders and know he would be just the calming influence that could help control Mr. Herzog's violent outbursts.

We look forward to more great on field battles with the St. Louis Red Birds with Whitey Herzog eventually back at the helm.

Could it be the effects of the “clear” and the “cream” that Whitey has been touting is his new sunscreen perhaps?

(AP) St. Louis Red Birds GM and managing partner Jim Sorochen suspended manager Whitey Herzog today for “conduct detrimental to the organization." At a hastily arranged press conference, Sorochen explained the suspension. “Whitey Herzog is a great manager and has a lifetime contract with the organization. That being said, his recent behavior towards members of our organization has become a problem and I wanted to let Whitey know, via four weeks suspension (with pay), that his behavior is now officially 'on watch.' We cannot have Whitey challenging his own players to fist fights anymore. It was one thing with Benitez… even I must admit, I hated that S.O.B…but the incident with Frankie Cordero went way over the line. We are committed to Frankie as our closer for the long haul and we realize he can’t come through every game. Whitey has to realize this and not blow a gasket and challenge manhood every time there is a mistake. We also think four weeks time is long enough for Whitey to simmer down and refocus on the task at hand.”

“Whitey was not happy with the decision and we have asked him to refrain from granting any interviews or statements. He is currently on REDBIRD-1 flying to his vacation home in the Florida Keys. We expect to see Whitey back in four weeks time. In the meantime, Bobby Valentine will be taking over the club in Whitey’s absence. Bobby is unavailable for comment as he is meeting with the club as we speak to explain the situation.

"It is a sad day in Red Birds history, but the steps taken today will only make us a stronger organization in the future. Whitey will be back and hopefully focused on managing our team to the expectations of myself and the great fans of St. Louis. Thanks for your time today.”

(AP) The St.Louis RedBirds have alerted local and national media that a press conference will start at 4pm EST/1pm PST. Anonymous sources say this definitely pertains to manager Whitey Herzog and his job status. AP will be reporting on the story later in the day.

St. Louis and Toronto hook up for another classic NetPlay matchup:

Game 1 - Toronto jumped out to an early 3-0 lead off of Brett Myers on home runs by Iguchi and Freel. St. Louis scraped out a run in the 4th off of Peavy to cut the lead to 3-1. Toronto slugger Bill Hall would take the drama out of the game with a 3 run blast in the 7th to put the game out of reach. Peavy would go the distance for Toronto allowing just the 1 run on route to a 8-1 victory.

Game 2 - This game would feature the wily veteran Greg Maddux on the hill for the Redbirds to take on the young fireballer Carlos Zambrano for the Sharpshooters. This game started with St. Louis striking first on an RBI single by Konerko in the 3rd. Zambrano would be wild walking the bases loaded with 2 outs in the 4th, and young phenom David Wright would make him pay with the 2 run single to extend the lead to 3-0 St. Louis. Zambrano would settle down, but Maddux would also be very good throwing 7 innings of 4 hit ball -- allowing only 1 run on a solo shot by H.Matsui. With the score 3-1, Toronto would happily see Maddux leave the game as Red Bird reliever Jesse Crain was greeted by a solo HR from AJ Pierzynski to cut the lead to 3-2. Crain, however, would get the next three batters to keep the lead heading to the 9th. After the Red Birds failed to score in the top of the 9th, Whitey would send in lefty specialist McBride to face Thome to start the inning. Toronto manager Bret Hart would call Thome back and counter with lefty masher Alex Escobar -- and Hart would look like a genius as Escobar would hit the ball deep to LF and gone for a game tying solo HR. To try and send the game to extra innings, Whitey would send in Francisco Cordero. First up was Wes Helms, and Cordero would make him look silly striking him out on 3 pitches. With one out, the next batter was Bill Hall -- and Hall was looking first pitch fastball and got it. As soon as the ball hit the bat the roar of the crowd told the story -- Hall had hit it out of the park sending Toronto to a dramatic 4-3 walk off victory.

The end of the game fireworks were almost matched by the postgame fireworks. As Cordero came off the field, Whitey charged at Cordero and took a swing at him. As the altercation escalated Red Bird players were able to separate the two, but not before Whitey was heard to say, "He's just another <bleep>ing Benitez". We are sure there will be more to this story as the season progresses.

Game 3 - In what was supposed to be the big matchup of the series (which was somewhat overshadowed by the post game antics from game 2) the Rocket would get a chance to give Whitey his wish as he would face the Red Birds and veteran lefty Mark Buehrle. Clemens seemed focused from the first pitch, and had all the run support he would need. An error by first basemen Konerko would open the floodgates to a 3 run first for Toronto. It would get worse for St. Louis in the 3rd as a solo shot by Sanders, and a 2 run blast by Bill Hall would put Toronto up 6-0. Still in the 3rd, Buehrle would load the bases, with Clemens singling to load them up. Whitey stormed to the mound to pull Buehrle and bring in reliever Brandon Lyon. Whitey had some strong words for Lyon as he left the mound -- so no one was surprised when the first pitch from Lyon drilled Ryan Freel in the ribs to drive in a run. Both dugouts were up on the top step but stopped just short of clearing the benches. With things settled down, Lyon would get the final out, but not before Toronto took a commanding 7-0 lead. The game would have no drama left as St Louis would get a 2 run double from Nixon (I believe his first hit of the season) and Bill Hall would hit a solo HR for Toronto (his 4th HR in the series). Hart would try and pull Clemens for a pinch hitter in the 8th, but Clemens had a few words with the manager, and was allowed to both hit and finish the complete game 8-2 Toronto victory. After the game Clemens said, "All I could hear was Whitey saying 'What's the matter Clemens, too old to finish your own games?' I decided that I was going to finish this one, and after some discussion I convinced the manager to let me pitch."

Toronto swept St. Louis in an emotional 3 game set. Whitey was unavailable for comment, but the players looked very apprehensive going back into the clubhouse after game 3.

Date: April 18, 2007
Subject: William Regal makes a spectacle

At a recent press conference at Dolphin Stadium the manager of the Florida Invaders, William Regal, had this to say about Clemens' alleged fear of playing the Red Birds: "Red Birds, Shmed Birds. Just wait until you see what the Invaders have in store for him." After saying this, smoke machines began filling the room with an eerie fog as a giant egg was wheeled into the room. Members of the press looked befuddled at the egg as Regal laughed maniacally out loud. (Kudos to any wrestling fans who know what the egg is.)

That's great news, Willie. Congratulations to you and the Mrs. on your new arrival! Now you and Mike can swap diaper-changing war stories. Has the gift-pack from Whitey Herzog (bourbon and cigars) arrived yet?

In a classic NetPlay battle, the Sharpshooters went to St. Louis to face the Red Birds.

Game 1 - This would feature John Lackey against Red Bird ace CC Sabathia. Toronto took an early lead on a grand slam by Milton Bradley. But Bobby Kielty would close the gap to a single run in the 7th with a bases loaded, bases clearing double and a 6-5 score. Huston Street would be asked to close it out but with Whitey screaming "The Curse of Benitez" from the dugout Street would give up a 9th inning HR to Jeff Francouer to tie the game. In the 10th, Kielty would single to start things off and Robinson Cano would finish off the comeback with a walk off double and a 7-6 Red Bird win.

Game 2 - This game was a great pitchers duel as Brett Myers would square off against Carlos Zambrano. The big inning was the 6th, as Myers would face off against Bill Hall in a scoreless tie with the bases loaded and 2 outs. Myers would make a mistake -- and Hall would make him pay with the grand slam and a 4-0 Toronto lead. The bottom of the 6th would have the other big hit for St Louis -- actually the only hit. With Zambrano taking a no hitter into the 6th, Eckstein would lead off getting hit by a pitch. With Eckstein being held on, Cano would hit the ball the other way, and would single past Hall who had been cheating towards 2nd base to cover the bag (single on a ground ball SS X -- runner held effect). That out of position single would be all that Zambrano would allow as he would complete the 1 hit shutout and Toronto would win 4-0.

Game 3 - Another Marquis pitching matchup as Jake Peavy would go for Toronto against the savvy vet Greg Maddux. The vet did not have his good stuff as a 2 run Pierzynski double and a 2 run shot by Jim Thome would lead Toronto to an early 6-1 lead. The Red Bird pen would not fare much better as Hall would chip in with a 2 run blast that would extend the lead to 9-1. Peavy would cruise and allow only 2 runs over 7 1/3 and Proctor would finish the game and give Toronto the 9-2 victory.

After the series, Whitey did not want to talk about the outcome. He had only one question for the press. "Where the <bleep> was Clemens? He afraid to face us? I always said that piece of <bleep> was soft. I guess we'll see if he has any guts the next time when we head to their place."

Clemens was unavailable for comment as he had not made the road trip with the team as part of his new contract. Toronto manager Bret Hart had only this to say "I guess things will get interesting when Rocket faces the Red Birds. I would have thought that Whitey would be smarter then to give Rocket more fuel to beat them... I take that back, Whitey isn't that smart."

A sullen figure awakes suddenly from a short nap. He yawns, scratches his belly, and reaches for the phone. The man growls, “Get RedBird-1 fueled up and get me Danny Cox on the horn. Tell him he’s going to Baltimore for a mission ASAP. We have had some activity there for the first time in two years. I want to quell it before it gets raging too hard there. They will be no obstacle to my 2007 plan.” The man slams down the phone and opens up his first Bud Light of the day. Whitey Herzog throws the can against the wall in disgust after consuming it. With a three-game series with Kansas City on the docket tonight, it could very well be a long day…

The phone call must have been made early this morning for, as we all know, the first Bud Lightt of the day has to be between... 5:45 & 6:00am.

I was at the Angels Royals game last night in Surprise, AZ. Alex Gordon might need a new glove... as he made 4 fielding errors (might not have been all charged as errors, but they were!). Rumor is he uses the "Whitey method" of breaking in a glove, which involves Budweiser products and hardened Ring Dings.

Andrew Miller: 4 yrs
Darren Oliver: 2 yrs
Ryan Theriot: 3 yrs
Brandon Lyon: 3 yrs
Fernando Martinez: 4 yrs
Whitey Herzog management contract: infinity

(AP) The St. Louis Red Birds lost their exhibition opener 3-2 to the New York Yankees in a game marred by an Alex Rodriguez hit by pitch. Bret Myers struck Rodriguez in the top of the 4th leaving Rodriguez in pain. St. Louis manager Whitey Herzog gestured to A-Rod by wiping away pretend tears from his eyes and then flipping him the universal "bird." On-deck hitter Jason Giambi took a few menacing steps towards Herzog until 290 lb pitcher C.C. Sabathia stepped up to the first step of the dugout and apparently shouted, "I don't think so, Juicy-Juice." Giambi slowly backed away glaring at Sabathia. Afterwards New York Yankee manager Joe Torre was dumbfounded. "I've known Whitey almost 50 years. I don't know why he still has a bug up his <bleep>. It's the first game of the season and he's starting stuff already. There's no place in the game for this type of stuff."

In a crowded managerial office, Herzog chuckled over the incident. "Sorry boys, I still had to see if I still had the fire. I think I do. A-Rod is still a <bleeping> whiny baby. That fastball was good medicine for him! By the way, I love this Myers kid. He'll punch out his own wife, if he had to, to win a game." <Editor's Note: We at the AP believe Whitey Herzog's comments to be offensive against women and we will be bringing up his comments with N.O.W. tomorrow>

Now to the game... Mike Mussina pitched 6 shutout innings and the Yankee bullpen limited St. Louis to two hits until David Wright and Paul Konerko had two two-out singles to drive in runs against future Hall Of Famer Mariano Rivera to make it close.

The Red Birds just completed their early morning run and now are preparing for the sun to come up so they can start BP. Whitey's on the boys a bit. Griffey is complaining about his knee, CC's pushing 300 lbs, and "prized FA signee," El Duque, is complaining already about a little crick in the neck. Another 4 weeks until opening day!!!!

I’m thinkin’ “Whitey’s litter box” may be a more appropriate title…snicker, snicker.

Lets take a minute and think of the man in the middle here, Jose Guillen. Once a promising prospect for Pittsburgh, Jose fell on hard times as a Pirate after a promising rookie and sophomore seasons. Then injuries and the tag, "Jose's an <bleep>hole" began to hound poor Jose. "Those guys just didn't understand Jose Guillen," commented Jose himself. "They didn't know the real me..."

Jose bounced around a few teams for a few years when suddenly in 2003, exploded with 31 homers and making people say, "Hey this <bleep> hole isn't too bad after all!" Jose parlayed his resurgence into a free agency contract in MLB and in SPIBL where he became one of the highest paid players in Strat. Jose enjoyed his new-found fortune with the people of San Cristobal, Dominican Republic where he grew up. "Yeah man, Jose treated us good. BBQ's all day and beer and women for everyone all night!!” confided Guillen childhood friend, Luis Lopez. "I partied so hard that winter, I couldn't make it back to Strat or MLB the next year...I was burnt!"

Rumors surrounded Guillen and his sudden homerun power. The dread S word began to hound Guillen. St. Louis Manager Whitey Herzog explained,” Of course Guillen was on the <bleep>. Look at him. One day, he's bleeping selling sodas at the stadium begging for a <bleeping> job and two months later, he's <bleeping> hitting the ball 450 feet. Of course he was on steroids, that no good sunuva<bleep>!" Jose denied these rumors vehemently saying, "I eat good man. I lay off the chips and began eating fruit. I am much stronger now and much smarter".....

After a brief resurgence, Jose's demons came back....Injuries. Guillen has been hounded by injuries the last few years and has not come even close to matching the expectations his huge contract demanded. Guillen began to sulk and then teammates began to question his manhood....

The final straw for Guillen was a month ago when he was spotted urinating in public with former teammate Armando Benitez. Both were arrested and await sentencing. "Figures it was those two <bleeps>!” added Herzog disgustedly.

Recently Jose Guillen was cut right before the entry draft.....his selection today continues the controversy swirling around this enigmatic figure....

(AP) Tokyo - St. Louis Red Birds manager Whitey Herzog narrowly avoided causing an international incident today when he insulted Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka.

Herzog and a number of Red Bird management were secretly in Japan to scout the hard throwing Japanese righty amid speculation of a proposed deal with Baltimore to acquire the first overall pick in the 2007 SPIBL Entry Draft. In fact, league sources have confirmed that a tenative deal was in place, and the Red Birds were simply waiting for signoff from the Seibu Lions' corporate arm.

With the deal virtually done, Herzog and Red Bird team officials joined Matsuzaka and agent Scott Bora$ for a celebratory sushi dinner in downtown Tokyo. According to restaurant staff, Herzog became noticably intoxicated after consuming 8 bottles of saki during the course of the meal, and began verbally taunting Matsuzaka, to the horror of the Red Birds' management.

While St. Louis club officials refused comment, Bora$ was incensed. "This was a typical move from that franchise. They continue to show no class to me or the players I represent, and its clear they have no idea how big social customs are in Japan. I mean, when you send that fat old drunk (Herzog) to be your representative, you have no clue what you are doing. I mean, he asked Dice-K if he could do his laundry for him on the road, and asked him if he knew what the "ancient chinese secret" was. Daisuke isn't even Chinese! What an outrage!"

According to league sources, Seibu immediately squashed the deal with St. Louis, and was re-igniting talks with Baltimore.

(AP) Reached at a Tokyo Steakhouse, Whitey Herzog commented, "Wickman is dead to me. That fat <bleep> can have fun getting coffee every day for that <bleep>hole Clemens. Now let me enjoy my KOBE steak in peace!!!"

When asked by reporters why he was in Japan, Herzog growled, "None of your <bleeping> business."

(AP - Tokyo bureau) Eyewitnesses on the ground are confirming that REDBIRD-1 has been spotted in a hangar in a secluded section of Tokyo International Airport. Word is starting to spread that GM Jim Sorochen and manager Whitey Herzog were seen leaving in an SUV to whereabouts unknown. Could St. Louis be entering the Dice-K sweepstakes?

Date: January 18, 2007
Subject: St. Louis and Herzog honor Kent and Weathers for five years of loyalty

(AP) There were tears in their beers today in St. Louis as the last two remaining original Red Birds from the inaugural 2002 SPIBL entry draft parted ways with the organization. Jeff Kent and David Weathers have been vital cogs in the Red Birds playoffs run in 2002, 2003 and 2006 but Red Bird management have decided to go in a different direction and go younger this upcoming season.

Jeff Kent hit .283 over his five years in St. Louis and leaves the organization as a leader in most offensive categories. Kent averaged 102 RBIs a year and hit 191 doubles and 142 homers. He will be most remembered for his 2003 season in which he hit .303 with 42 homers and 136 RBIs and carried St. Louis on his back the entire summer. "We had a very good team that year. Jeff carried us but looking back, I am very disappointed we didn't win it all", recalled Whitey Herzog. Kent issued a statement saying, "Gosh, it's going to be tough leaving Whitey and the guys. I spent five years in St. Louis. It is a great organization and also a great city to play in. I wish them all the best but I feel I still have some game left in me and look forward to going to Pittsburgh and the American League and helping them win a championship."

David Weathers wasn't flashy but for five seasons he was Whitey Herzog's most trusted man in the bullpen. Pitching 356 games over five seasons, Weathers averaged 92 innings a year as he finished with a 3.68 ERA and 26-22 record with 6 saves. "That <bleep> would take the ball everyday I asked him and always pitched his heart out. He was a warrior and I will miss "Stormy" both on the field and personally. It's going to be tough to replace him and I still cant believe our GM couldn't find the $$$ to sign him," said a tearful Whitey Herzog. Weathers said, "I know St. Louis tried to the last minute to get me back but unfortunately this is a business and I had to take the better deal for myself and family. I look forward to visiting St. Louis this upcoming season although pitching to Junior has me worried already. Tell Whitey the next time I see him, I am buying!!!"

GM Jim Sorochen could not be reached for comment but sources say he had no intent to sign Kent but was very disappointed he couldn't find a way to retain Weathers. The Paul Konerko trade made Kent expendable. Weathers was expected to be re-signed, so now St. Louis must search elsewhere for 75 games and 80 bullpen innings.

-It is expected that St. Louis will sign Bobby Valentine to become their new bench coach to replace the retiring Don Zimmer. Valentine may have the inside track on being the successor to Whitey Herzog, whenever the White Rat decides to retire...

Copyright © 2011 Strat Pros Internet Baseball League Last modified: Thursday, December 15, 2011

Copyright © 2011 Strat Pros Internet Baseball League
Last modified: Thursday, December 15, 2011