Whitey's Corner 2006

Whitey's Corner

Date: December 2, 2006
Subject: St. Louis press conference: Whitey welcomes Konerko and Myers to team

The St. Louis Red Bird organization finally held a press conference welcoming new members Paul Konerko and Brett Myers to the team. "Sorry for taking us a few weeks to hold this press conference. As you know our manager Whitey Herzog takes a one-month sabbatical upon the conclusion of the season in Hawaii. Whitey refused to come back for a press conference so we had to wait until he made himself available,” explained Owner/GM Jim Sorochen. "We felt going into the off-season our primary need was for a middle of the order hitter to protect Ken Griffey. Plus we needed a 1B. Nothing against Lance Niekro, but we needed a presence in the middle of our order. We made the rounds, had a lot of talks, and secured Paul Konerko's services. We're very excited to have Paul anchor our 1B position for the years to come. Giving up Rich Harden was tough to do but we've been waiting four years for Harden to fulfill his potential. We feel Rich has Cy Young talent but maybe not the intestinal fortitude of batting though injuries. We had the second deal in the works and felt Myers could replace Harden capably in our rotation. So that is why we did it. The second deal was a no-brainer. A utility infielder for a guy we believe can be a solid #2 starter. Our IF depth was pretty good and although we liked Freddy alot, we felt we had to do this deal", continued Sorochen. "Now without further adieu, here is our manager, Whitey Herzog."

Herzog walks up to the microphone and puts his hands down, signaling "sit down."

"Thanks Jim. Where do I start? I get rid of that <bleep> Harden and get a guy who will literally fight tooth and nail for a win? I love the deals we made. Paulie is a monster in the middle of the order and brings us stability at 1B defensively. Fact is Jeff Kent did a good job for us last year but quite frankly never warmed up to playing 1B for us. Jeff was a great player for our organization and we will miss him." <cue Tina Turner's "Simply the Best" over the PA in the restaurant> So we got Paulie in the middle and now Brett at the top half of our rotation. A young, hard throwing bulldog. A guy who'll knock out his own mother to get a win!".<Jim Sorochen at this point leaves his seat and whispers something in Herzog's ear.> "Heh, heh, sorry about that folks, didnt know that Myers literally was beating his old lady. My apologies to the broads in the audience. I don't advocate violence against women, unless they are bigger than you and stealing your Johnny Walker on the bar when you arent looking.", continued Herzog. We wish Harden the best, he is a good pitcher, just a little bit of a <bleep> when it comes to injuries. Also I would like to wish Freddy Sanchez well. Paco did a great job for us the last two years....he was great off the bench and his versatility was tremendous. I believe Paco could win a batting title one day, that is how good of a hitter I think he is. But with Cano, Wright, Mouse(Eckstein), Alex Gordon and that Polok kid coming up (Tulowitzski), we are set in the infield. So in closing, thanks for waiting for me to come back from Maui. I got <bleeping> hammered every day and luckily only had to see my wife a few times during the whole vacation. I am refreshed and ready to start training with Junior in the snow right after New Years!!"

At this point, the media began to file out of the room when Paul Konerko said, "Hey guys, you want any quotes from me or Brett?" Allegedly disgraced reporter, Harold Reynolds laughed, saying" We got all our quotes from Whitey...we dont need to hear from you guys". And with that the press conference ended.

Date: November 14, 2006
Subject: Whitey's reaction to Clemens being added to the trade wire

“Hey Kies, why don’t you give Isaiah Thomas a call? He would be willing to assume another bad contract and, who knows, maybe Clemens can be the next <bleeping> Tractor Traylor!”

Date: November 2, 2006
Subject: Congratulations to the AL Champions

“Congrats to the San Diego franchise for winning the ALCS. It’s nice for them to win the JV Title. Have fun losing in four to the superior NL Varsity squad.” ~Whitey Herzog

Date: October 23, 2006
Subject: St. Louis vs. Anaheim goes seven games

After starting off the series down the first three games, St. Louis manages to win game six in Anaheim with Whitey turning to former Anaheim closer, Francisco Cordero in the 8th inning the first time all year. As former Red Bird closer Armando Benitez looked on from the stands, eating a corn dog and holding a voodoo doll of Whitey Herzog, Cordero exercised the demons and came through with a four strikeout performance and a save."<Bleep> Whitey!", growled Benitez as he pushed a elderly woman down the steps while leaving his seat.

Owner/GM Jim Sorochen asked for a 5 minute recess before game 7 to chug down a Red Bull and put in Europe's, "The Final Countdown" for game 7 anticipation and emphasis. Since game 7 lasted 90 minutes in real time, he knew he was going to be tired for work in the morning but <bleep> it, was GAME 7!!!!

Anaheim turned to former Red Bird prospect Chris Young for the Game 7 start. Young was traded this off-season for closer Francisco Cordero and was not happy about the deal at the time. "St. Louis is going to regret trading me some day, you'll see", murmured Young back in February. St. Louis was turning to prized free agent pickup Greg Maddux, a future Hall of Famer and Whitey Herzog's "ace in the hole". "This guy has seen it all and has been through every situation possible. I trust him with this assignment and I know he will keep us in the game", said Herzog after game 6, drinking his traditional post game Bud Light beer.

St. Louis goes up early, 1-0, Anaheim scores single runs in 4 different innings to go up 4-1. Herzog goes to Harden in two straight games in relief despite Harden telling Whitey he felt a "twinge in my elbow" in game 6.(A harbinger of things to come?). Lidge comes on in the 9th as Armando Benitez sticks pins in the Whitey doll, asking, "I dont see Albert Pujols here, I think we are okay with Lidge." This sets the stage for...

Griffey leads off with a single, then Kent singles. Baltimore Stars manager Gary Carter looks over to Mookie Wilson sitting next to him and grins....Tying run is up in rookie Jeff Francoeur, who ph for Trot Nixon in the 7th (who was hitting .414 with 3 homers and 9 ribbies in the series to that point but who cannot hit lefties, and Fuentes was in and I knew it would come back to haunt me but I digress...). Francoeur has tremendous power but does nothing here, striking out. Robinson Cano makes a out and with two outs, Dave Ross comes up. No at bats in the series and he hits a bomb to centerfield. Andruw Jones can't catch up with it and a run scores making it 4-2 with tying run at 2nd. Burt Young is rubbing Tony Burton's bald head and the russian crowd is starting to turn on Drago, er, I mean Lidge. At this point, Whitey asks if anyone can catch?" No one else can so Ross, a 9 runner stays in to run at second base.

This sets the stage for pinch hitter, .286 clutch hitter and perennial 25th man Jerry Hairston Jr. As Hairston comes up to the plate, 52,576 Anaheim Ants fans are on their feet. The Rally Ant is jumping up and down on the St. Louis dugout until he is violently pulled down by C.C. Sabathia and quickly silenced. Hairston focuses on Lidge as he comes to the plate. He looks into the stands and sees Chevy Chase dressed up as Ty Webb, mouthing, "Be the ball." Lidge steps off the mound and wonders why he ate the Taco Bell burrito at his pre game meal four hours earlier. His stomach is cramping and he feels like he may soil himself at any moment. "Let's not Pujols him again," he tells himself as he toes the rubber. Meanwhile in the dugout, Whitey Herzog has his own thoughts" "I am getting too <bleeping> old for this <bleep>." Anyway, Lidge delivers the pitch to Hairston and its a slow ground ball in the hole... Utley chases it down and throws out Hairston... The ANTS WIN, ANTS WIN, ANTS WIN!!!!!

Anaheim players storm the mound, Armando Benitez laughs a hearty laugh, Chris Young flips off GM/Owner Jim Sorochen up in his suite, Rich Harden flexes his elbow in pain and Whitey Herzog watches it all unfold, not knowing if this is his last hurrah or not...

Date: October 20, 2006
Subject: Game One: St. Louis at Anaheim

It was a beautiful night as St. Louis matched up against Anaheim in the first game of the SPIBL NLDS. CC Sabathia was given a early lead and departed with a 5-2 lead in the 6th inning. Anaheim, with its high powered offense, battled back TO 5-4 when Chase Utley hit a two out, two run triple against Mike Myers (who had only given up 7 hits in 70 at-bats during the regular season)

Anaheim later tied it in the 8th on a Carlos Delgado ground out and this set the tone for the 9th inning. Andruw Jones led off with a first pitch, walk off homer off of Jesse Crain as 54,666 Ants fans went crazy, waving their rally towels and screaming, "ANDRUW... ANDRUW!!!!"

The crowd was too busy celebrating to see Whitey Herzog slowly sticking his hand out towards the celebrating Ants at home plate and extending his middle finger in disgust. Also a howl of disgust filtered through the Red Birds training room as CC Sabathia ripped a television off a wall and sent it crashing through the trainers room...

The Red Birds looked to strike early and let the Ants know they were in for a fight. Now they find themselves down 1-0 with all the momentum shifted to Anaheim's way. It is up to managerial genius Whitey Herzog to figure out how to right the ship.

Date: October 17, 2006
Subject: Herzog hires famous P.I.

Whitey Herzog was glued into the reports of the exciting Toronto-Kansas City playoff series. St. Louis had 17 scouts on hand for the series including famed private investigator Thomas Magnum, who was trying to dig up some dirt on Clemens.

Date: October 17, 2006
Subject: Toronto hires new personnel, a former Red Bird, to scout St. Louis in the playoffs

When the Sharpshooter advanced scouts showed up in Anaheim to cover the start of the ANA-STL playoff series, there was a new addition to the bunch. No one was more surprised then the St. Louis brass when former Redbird employee Tom Pagnozzi showed up with his bright and shiny new Toronto Sharpshooter cap to scout his former team for a potential LCS matchup with Toronto. Toronto GM Jim Kies announced that this is not just a postseason job, but that Pagnozzi will remain on staff next year in the same capacity -- with specific attention to scouting the division rival Redbirds.

When Kies was asked about why he was hired now and the rumors of a feud with Redbird manager Whitey Herzog he had this response:

"It just seemed like a perfect match for us. He is a baseball guy, and knows the Redbird organization well, and we play those guys a lot during the regular season. Since we had an oppurtunity to sign him, and a possible matchup with the Redbirds next round, there seemed to be no reason to wait until next year to hire him, so we went ahead and pulled the trigger now. He will be watching both teams, of course, as the Ants are the favorites on paper to win this series. We are just happy to add a class guy to the organization."

When further pressed on bad blood between Whitey and Pagnozzi GM Kies added:

"I can tell you this much. Having bad blood with Whitey Herzog will never keep you out of a job in the Toronto organization. Player, coach, equipment guy or even bat boy - I don't think liking Whitey Herzog will become part of the job description anytime soon."

Date: October 9, 2006
Subject: St. Louis advances in four games over Atlanta

In a very hard-fought series, the Red Birds beat Atlanta in four games. First game was a blowout, but the last three had both GMs biting their nails. St. Louis manager was seen eating Rolaids washed down with a RED BULL kicker!!! MVP Jeff Kent went 5 for 12 in the series with 5 walks (all intentional).

Date: September 26, 2006
Subject: Just a typical regular season series with division rival KC

Red Birds win 2 of 3. Whitey getting arrested for urinating in the dugout ON Camera was the biggest highlight of the series.

Date: September 14, 2006
Subject: Memories of Armando

Seattle wins 2 of 3 at St. Louis as Cordero begins to morph into BENITEZ. As you read this, Whitey is drinking a Bud Light to ease the pain.

Date: September 1, 2006
Subject: Whitey even dishes on the commish

B.S. Commish, you took the day off to study for our fantasy football draft tomorrow!!!! ~Whitey

Date: August 15, 2006
Subject: Whitey and Wickman are like peas and carrots

Many of you weren’t in the league four years ago, but Bob Wickman had one of the great SPIBL closer seasons while with the St. Louis franchise. Whitey Herzog has issued the following statement: “I will pay the tampering charges on this, but I have to say it. Bobby Wickman will always have a spot on the St. Louis franchise and we would be interested in him for next year if he would like to finish out his career with the team he started with.”

Date: August 14, 2006
Subject: Whitey worries about 2006 season

With 50 games left, Whitey has started to get antsy. St. Louis loses 2 of 3 to KC in 3 hotly contested matchups. St. Louis loses 2 of 2 to Detroit as Whitey verbally berates opposing pitcher Victor Zambrano after beating CC Sabathia. St. Louis comes back to sweep Florida. Offense has gone sour and Owner/GM Jim Sorochen is wondering why Jeff Kent's real life performance in 2005 is not being reflected in Strat. Independent investigators have been hired to see if Barry Bonds has something to do with Kent's season long strat slump.

Date: August 9, 2006
Subject: St. Louis visits Toronto to continue rivalry

Game 1 - This would set the theme for the series, which would be close games (similar to the games between these two squads all season). Toronto would jump out early to a 3-0 lead keyed by a 2 run HR by Derrek Lee. The Red Birds would storm right back with a 2 run 2nd and a 2 run 3rd (including a solo shot by Kent) to take the 4-3 lead. Zambrano and Maddux would settle down, until Toronto struck back in the 5th with a 2 run inning, capped by a Derrek Lee RBI single to take the 5-4 lead. Enter the bullpens, and both sides had stingy pens on this day. St Louis would get two scoreless relief innings in support of Maddux. Toronto would, however, limit the drama as they too would get great work from their pen and Huston Street would retire the only 4 batters he faced to close out the 5-4 Toronto win.

Game 2 - Another close game, but more of a pitchers duel as CC Sabathia and Jake Peavy were both dealing. Toronto woul! d strike early as with only 1 out in the game Derrek Lee would strike again with a 2 run shot to give Toronto the early lead. Both pitchers would then go into stingy mode as the score remained 2-0 going into the 7th. Jeff Kent would hit another solo shot to cut the lead in half, but in the bottom of the inning a bases loaded walk to Corey Koskie would extend it back to a 2 run lead. Back to the bullpens at this point for both teams, and again St Louis would give themselves a chance as the pen would again allow no runs. Cotts and Street would combine for a scoreless 8th, and this time Todd Jones would be asked to close it out. Jones was cruising, retiring the first two batters, but would allow a single to Griffey to bring up Sharpshooter nemesis Jeff Kent as the tying run. Kent would take a mighty swing, but would get fooled badly on a breaking ball as Jones would strike him out to end the game and give Toronto the 3-1 victory.

Game 3 - Again, another close game and the matchup would seem to favor Toronto as Cy Young candidate Roger Clemens would face off against Red Bird 5th starter Brandon Backe. I guess this is why we play the games, as Clemens was hittable early and often. An RBI double in the first by David Wright, a 2 run single by Eckstein in the 2nd, and an RBI ground out by Mike Matheny in the 3rd would get the Red Birds 4 early runs of the Rocket. Toronto could not get any rallies going early, but solo shots by Matsui and Freel would keep the game close at 4-2. Clemens would settle down, and Freel would strike again with an RBI double in the 5th, and Toronto was again creeping back in it at 4-3. That would be it for Backe, as the St Louis pen would again be called upon. They would match Clemens scoreless inning for scoreless inning through the 8th inning. At that point Toronto would go to the pen, and Al Reyes would give up a couple 2 out singles, but would hold them scoreless to keep it a 1 run game heading into the 9th. Whitey would send out super reliable Francico Cordero who has been nails for the Red Birds this season. Hideki Matsui would greet him with a lead off double and Whitey could be seen pacing the dugout. The next batter would get the high heat, and could not catch up with it as Koskie would strike out. Bobby Crosby would bat next, and he would line a pitch right back where it came from to score Matsui and tie up the game. Next up, Brian Schneider and he would hit one off the end of the bat that would roll slowly towards 3rd. David Wright would have no play, as it was hit too slowly -- unfortunately he would throw the ball anyway, and it would get away from Kent at 1B for a single and an error, putting runners at 2B and 3B. Sharpshooter manager Bret Hart, would call on Jake Peavy to pinch hit for the pitchers spot -- and would also call for the squeeze. Peavy would lay the bunt down to perfection, and the Toronto Sharpshooters would win the game and sweep the series with the 5-4 come from behind victory.

(Whitey Herzog was heard mumbling something like #$%^&-ing Benitez after the game, but no one was brave enough to actually ask Whitey what he said.)

Date: July 31, 2006
Subject: Herzog campaigns for his ace

The team ERA goes down to 3.03 on the year with CC Sabathia currently at 15-4 and 1.81 ERA. Whitey Herzog was quoted tonight as saying, "<BLEEP> Clemens, CC is CY YOUNG!"

Date: July 30, 2006
Subject: Reaction to division rival Toronto losing 2 of 3

Date: July 21, 2006
Subject: Reaction to 2006 All-Star Game results

Whitey is complaining about big CC and Cordero not getting any SPIBL All-Star time. Of course, the White Rat was grinning like a rat eating cheese when his boy, David Wright, copped MVP honors. So I guess it evened out.

Date: July 18, 2006
Subject: St. Louis at Kansas City; Concern over Wright

Whitey comes in to Kansas City and sweeps the Monarchs. Of note, #3 hitter David Wright went a paltry 1 for 13 with 11 Ks. Rumors abound that Wright took part in some sort of homerun hitting contest recently that has fouled up his swing. Now Whitey Herzog is getting foul with the production!

Date: June 15, 2006
Subject: Mid-summer success

The Red Birds continue their hot streak, sweeping Oakland. Whitey's stress level is pretty low right now and hasn't yelled at anyone (including his wife) in weeks.

Date: May 9, 2006
Subject: Colorado series is uneventful, until...

St. Louis sweeps as three lefties (Sabathia, Fassero, Buehrle) limit Colorado to one run per game in the series. Red Birds bats start to wake up, although Whitey falls asleep during the third game, spilling his Miller Lite on himself in the process.

Date: May 2, 2006
Subject: Colorado series is uneventful, until...

St. Louis wins 2 of 3 with the last two games very close. David Eckstein is hitting .130 and Dave Roberts under .200 not getting the job done as table setters leading to Whitey calling up old friends Vince Coleman and Ozzie Smith to see how they are feeling.

Date: April 28, 2006
Subject: Tom Pagnozzi fired

St. Louis GM Jim Sorochen announced the firing of bullpen coach Tom Pagnozzi today. "We received a tip a few days ago that Mr.Pagnozzi was relaying our signs to the opposing team. Upon confirmation of this, we terminated Mr.Pagnozzi's contract immediately. We have reason to believe that Mr.Pagnozzi has a professional and personal conflict with manager Whitey Herzog and was out to "get him" anyway he could. We are quite sure our 8-11 start is correlated with Mr. Pagnozzi's betrayal of the Red Bird organization. We have hired Tom Nieto to serve as bullpen coach the rest of the season. I would like to let Red Bird nation know that we have eliminated the traitor and expect nothing less than .667 ball the rest of the way!!!"

*BREAKING NEWS*

Reporters caught up to Tom Pagnozzi as he was returning to his East St. Louis apartment. Pagnozzi appeared he was physically assaulted, sporting scrapes, bruises and a eye swollen shut. Pagnozzi declined to answer specific questions, only muttering, "I'll get you Whitey. I'll get you CC..."

Date: April 28, 2006
Subject: Clemens/ Herzog feud

In 3 blowout games, Toronto takes 2 out of 3 against division rival St Louis. Whitey was heard muttering after the game, "At least I was able to rest my <bleep>ing closer this series".

There was also a moment of tension in game 2 when Whitey started walking towards the mound, instead of home plate, when the lineup cards were exchanged. Clemens stopped his warm up pitches to glare at Herzog who said, "we'll take care of business on the field" as he walked away. Rocket, who seemed even more focused then usual, needed only 95 pitches to go 9 innings of 4-hit one-run ball.

More Rocket-Whitey drama is sure to happen next time these two teams meet as neither man seemed willing to bury the hatchet.

Date: April 18, 2006
Subject: Herzog scheduled to appear weekly on TV talk show

Whitey's "wind talkers" have deciphered the following message:

Anyone who gets the YES channel (New York Yankees channel), starting Sunday night, they are running some roundtable discussion with major league managers. Besides Joe Torre and Willie Randolph, the show will feature the venerable Whitey Herzog. Yes, Whitey makes his first public appearance in years (besides his SPIBL duties). If at any point, Whitey slurs his words or curses, I know my depiction of him will be right-on!!

Date: April 18, 2006
Subject: What are Wind Talkers? part one

After reading this, Toronto Manager Bret Hart was heard to comment, "Wind Talker? Isn't that what they call Whitey after a night of Mexican food?"

Date: April 18, 2006
Subject: What are Wind Talkers? part two

"Wind talkers".... When one drinks enough Budweiser products, I am sure Whitey does have "windtalkers."

Respectfully, One NL Central Rival

Date: April 18, 2006
Subject: What are Wind Talkers? part three

Actually, it was three seasons of having Armando Benitez as a closer that led to Whitey’s, ahem, “gastrointestinal problems.” On a related note, Whitey has just been hired to do a Campbells pork and beans commercial. Toilet "humor"...

Date: April 7, 2006
Subject: 2nd Barroom Brawl in as many years marrs Herzog's legacy

Toronto opened up a four game series in St. Louis and if the first three games are any indication, there is going to be a very interesting race in the competitive NL Central this summer.

Toronto leads the series 2 games to 1 with game 4 this evening. Game 2 of the series was a gem with Roger Clemens beating Brandon Backe in a pitcher's duel, 2-1. However the fireworks happened after the game as St. Louis manager Whitey Herzog and Toronto pitcher Roger Clemens engaged in a barroom brawl in a downtown St. Louis tavern. Details are sketchy as both teams' p.r. departments are staying silent. However word is leaking out that Herzog sustained a concussion and assorted scrapes and bruises when he was apparently body slammed through a table by the 6'4 235 lbs (listed) Clemens. The source also said if it wasn't for Red Birds pitcher C.C. Sabathia, Herzog could have been in a lot more trouble.

"Whitey went up to Clemens and offered an apology for ripping him in the media the last few months. Roger wanted nothing to do with Whitey and ignored him. Whitey had a few in him I think... next thing you know he throws a scotch and water at Clemens and all <bleep> broke loose. It's a good thing CC stepped in. Whitey could have been seriously hurt. I thought CC and Clemens were going to go... it was something out of the Wild West. They both stared at each other for about a minute before they slowly backed away from one another..."

This marks the second barroom incident for Herzog in two years. Last year, Herzog and St. Louis pitcher Armando Benitez got into a fistfight at a Inner Harbor Bar in Baltimore, eventually leading in Benitez' departure from the club.

Date: April 7, 2006
Subject: Further reports on barroom brawl

The Toronto organization has officially refused to speak or even acknowledge the incident. One Toronto newspaper was able to get this quote from an anonymous source in the Sharpshooter training staff. "Rocket was looked over and he is fine. Not a scrape or bruise on him. If he was in a fight, you sure couldn't tell. The only thing we found was a strange bite mark above his right ankle. We were going to clean it, but Rocket must have beaten us to it as the area already smelled strongly of alcohol."

Game four is tonight and scheduled starter Jake Peavy is already showing that having Clemens around is rubbing off on him. "I don't know what Herzog was thinking, but Rocket is not a guy to mess with. Will tempers be up? I don't know, but what I do know is we have already hit a few of their guys this series - Rocket clipped a couple guys -- but I am still going to throw inside. They just need to make sure not to crowd my plate."

Bret Hart had unusually little to say before the game. "Boy, and I thought the WWE had drama. I should have taken up this managing gig a long time ago."

Date: April 4, 2006
Subject: Tough love doesn't work for everyone

St. Louis trades Zack Greinke to Baltimore for a 4^th round draft pick and Sean Douglass. Whitey’s “tough love” approach apparently not working for Mr. Greinke.

Date: March 24, 2006
Subject: Preseason Classic: Chicago beats Red Birds in six

In an exciting series, the Blue Knights narrowly get by the talented St. Louis Red Birds in six games. Chicago moves on to face the Kansas City Monarchs in the semifinals. Whitey has locked himself in his manager's office and hasn't come out. Been mumbling something about "getting too old for this <bleep>".

Date: March 20, 2006
Subject: Preseason Classic: Games 1 & 2 vs. Chicago

Whitey Herzog was bloodied and beaten the first two games in Chicago. "We couldn't muster anything against Pedro and Santana. Those guys are tough S.O.B.'s. Gotta give credit where credit is due... they beat our <bleeps>!"

Date: March 16, 2006
Subject: Maddux pokes fun

St.Louis is still looking to move one of the following: Luis Ayala or Duaner Sanchez.

On a related note, the RedBirds submitted their NCAA pools to team organizer, Greg Maddux. When asked if there were any crazy picks, Maddux chuckled. "Whitey took Wichita State to win it all. He said it was going to be a real "Shocker."

Date: March 14, 2006
Subject: Preseason Classic: Red Birds sweep Philly

After the game, St. Louis manager Whitey Herzog was asked about leaving prized free agent signee Greg Maddux in for 127 pitches and the complete game. "We're paying him a lot of money... I want to get my money's worth!" growled Herzog between sips of a post-game beer. Somewhere Dusty Baker is smiling...

Date: March 12, 2006
Subject: Preseason Classic: Games 1 & 2 vs. Philly

St. Louis jumps out to a 2-0 lead in the series. St. Louis wins the first game 1-0 behind a Mark Buehrle 7 inning 2 hitter. St. Louis wins the second game 7-3 behind a Griffey homer. St. Louis manager Whitey Herzog sat behind his desk after game two, chomping on a cigar and hands behind his head. "I love it when a plan comes together. Now it's on to Philly. The fans at Philly love me. I can't wait to eat some cheese steaks and run the museum steps!"

Date: March 12, 2006
Subject: Herzog excited about round two of Preseason Classic

Whitey has his troops prepared for Philadelphia in the second round. He put on his blue face paint and mooned the crowd today in anticipation.

Date: March 12, 2006
Subject: Ravich not happy about Whitey moon

ESPN commentator Karl Ravich , after seeing Whitey's mooning escapade. "Wow, that's a hell of a hemorrhoid that Whitey's got simmering. Now I see where the anger comes from."

Date: March 12, 2006
Subject: Reynolds happy about Whitey moon

Followed by fellow ESPN analyst, Harold Reynolds (kissing Whitey’s butt, of course - not literally - praising him like he does every single ballplayer. This guy is worse than Paula Abdul on ‘American Idol’), “Boy, Whitey has been working out. Look at those glutes! I saw he was training with Griffey and it is really paying off!”

Date: March 6, 2006
Subject: First team controversy of 2006

<AP> The first team controversy of 2006 engulfed the St. Louis Red Birds today as pitcher Zack Greinke left camp. Greinke was apparently upset that he had to battle Brandon Backe and Jeff Fassero for the fifth spot in the rotation. He was seen shouting, "I earned this last year!" at Whitey Herzog during stretching drills and Herzog responded with an audible, "<Bleep> You. Do I have to give you a spanking like I do with my grandkids when they get out of line?" Greinke then sped away in his car as Herzog opened up his cell phone and dialed a number. Greinke was seen moments later pulled over by a Florida State Trooper getting a ticket for speeding.

Date: March 1, 2006
Subject: Herzog is embroiled by comments out of Sharpshooter camp

(AP) St. Louis manager Whitey Herzog was infuriated by comments made by Toronto's Jim Kies. "We aren't afraid of anyone. We'll play those guys right now. My guys have been working out and beating MLB teams for the last two weeks. Buehrle's throwing over 100 pitches a outing and Griffey's legs are in the best shape of his life. We'll fly up to
Toronto right now and beat them 2 out of 3, 4 out of 7, 9 out of 17, 12 out of 23, whatever the <bleep> they want!" growled Herzog throwing an empty bottle of Jack Daniels against the wall for emphasis.

Date: February 28, 2006
Subject: Sharpshooter GM jabs at Red Bird organization

Toronto will sit back and await their 2nd round opponent in the Preseason Tournament. One observation: I did notice that in the brackets that Toronto is as far away from St. Louis as possible (we are located in opposite corners). One wonders if Whitey had a hand in this... maybe a bit afraid to face the Sharpshooters? Food for thought.

Also, the Sharpshooters wanted to address disturbing rumors coming from Florida regarding moles or spies giving Toronto an inside track on the Florida draft picks. We all know that the only person with spies is Whitey and the last time he gave the Sharpshooters draft advice, he recommended we draft Dennis Quaid as he really lit up the radar gun in that one movie.

On to the pre season tourney!

Date: February 22, 2006
Subject: Herzog excited about Preseason Classic

Upon reading the rules and regulations of the 1st annual Preseason Classic, Herzog kicked all reporters out of spring training and immediately put Mark Buehrle and Rich Harden on an accelerated program to get up to 100 pitches per game in the next week. Harden was reportedly complaining of pain in his non-pitching shoulder.

Date: February 22, 2006
Subject: Herzog responds to Toronto TV station airing 2005 STL-TOR series

Upon reading this email in the RedBirds undisclosed spring training site, St.Louis manager Whitey Herzog growled, "Does RedBird One have air to surface missles? I want that TV station blown up! Better yet, we do know where Benitez lives, right?"

Thanks. This was a pivotal moment in deciding whether or not to retain Mr. Benitez, Bon Voyage!

Date: February 22, 2006
Subject: Local Toronto TV station to re-air favorite 2005 series (Toronto sweep over St. Louis)

To gear up Toronto fans for what they hope will be a great '06 season, the local media have started airing some games from last season on FOX Sports Toronto. By far the most requested games are from a 3 game series early in the season against division rival St. Louis. (Ironically, clips of these games are also being aired in St. Louis under the title "The Beginning of the End for Benitez") I will include abridged recaps (9th inning on) of those games below for the enjoyment of Whitey and the league.

~Toronto Sharpshooters press announcer

Game 1: Toronto would take a 5-3 lead into the 9th. The Red Birds would not go quietly, as Perez would give up back to back singles to start the 9th. Toronto would bring in Kolb to try and shut the door. Pinch hitter Frank Catalanotto would make the first out reaching first on a fielders choice. That would bring up pinch hitter Trot Nixon. Kolb would throw the first pitch all the way to the backstop, scoring a run and putting the tying run at 2nd. Kolb would get what would have been the double play ball, which would move the tying run to 3rd. This would bring up Jeff Kent as the winning run. Toronto would go against some baseball logic, by intentionally walking Kent to face instead Jermaine Dye. With the Toronto faithful on their feet, Danny Kolb would induce one final ground out and get Dye to end the game. Final score 5-4 Toronto in a game that would be indicative of the series, close and lots of drama.

Game 2: The score was 2-1 St. Louis as Armando Benitez took the mound. The crowd started making noise as Jorge Posada started off the inning w/ a lead off single. The next batter, Hideki Matsui, took the 2-0 pitch from Benitez and hit a deep fly ball to RF, sending Dye back to the track, to the wall -- and caught up against the wall for the first out (missed a 1-12 Ball Park HR). The crowd roared as the PA announcer called out pinch hitter, and crowd favorite, Justin Morneau as the next batter. Morneau, however, weakly popped up to short and with 2 outs the crowds hopes were fading. This would bring up a final pinch hitter, Corey Koskie. Koskie would swing at the first Benitez offering, and watch as the ball sailed into right field -- and this one would not be caught by Dye -- scoring two runs, and sending the crowd home happy on the walk off two run homer. Final score 3-2 Toronto.

Game 3: Again, Benitez would take a 1 run lead (3-2) into the 9th. Vance Wilson would get the call to lead off the 9th as a pinch hitter and promptly lined one up the middle for a single. Toronto would immediatly call on Coco Crisp to pinch run and on the first pitch to Justin Morneau, Crisp easily stole 2nd base. Benitez would get Morneau out on a fly ball to medium deep right field, but it was deep enough to send the pinch runner Crisp to 3rd w/ one out. That would bring the infield in, and the batter would be Corey Patterson. He would hit a slow chopper to 3rd. Glaus would elect to try and get the out at home, but the throw would be late as Crisp would slide home with the tying run. This would give Benitez his 2nd blown save of the series, but he would get pinch hitter Julio Franco and Jamey Carroll to send the game to extras. Toronto would go to their closer to keep the game close. Kolb had a strong top of the 10th as (in true Kolb fashion) he retired Kent, Dye and Glaus 1-2-3 on ground balls. Benitez would take the hill for the bottom of the 10th, and after blowing away Posada for the 1st out, Hideki Matsui promptly hit a ball down the right field line for a double. With one out the crowd was looking for a base hit to bring home Matsui, but hitter Reggie Sanders had a bit more drama in mind as he launched a 480 foot shot to left center field -- again a walk off 2 run shot sending the Sharpshooter faithful home with sore throats and big smiles. Final score 5-3 Toronto.

Date: February 21, 2006
Subject: Whitey's reaction to 2006 preseason power rankings

(AP) Whitey Herzog came into work early this morning with a computer printout. He sat down at his desk and scribbled for a few seconds. He then went to the copy machine, waited for it to boot up and printed out 45 copies. He the taped a copy of each page to every player's locker and to his coaching staff. AP was able to use its camera phone to take a picture of what it read. Here are the contents:

"POWER RANKINGS - NL CENTRAL
1. Toronto
2. St. Louis
3. KC

Work cut out for us. Need total commitment to achieve strategic objective: 100 wins and the division. No BENITEZ to blow games. Work Hard, Party Harder and WIN...WIN..WIN!!!"

Date: February 17, 2006
Subject: Whitey's response to Toronto GM's latest jab

Jim, You have those confused with his first base coach, 3^rd base coach and bullpen coach. After Frank Thomas, Whitey wants Jim Kies in a sprint!!!

Date: February 17, 2006
Subject: Toronto GM's latest jab

I hear Whitey sometimes tries to sneak in a 41st guy too... although usually his name is Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam or maybe Samuel Adams.

Date: February 16, 2006
Subject: Whitey's response to Anaheim GM's jab

R.Harden, C.Sabathia, J.Franceour, D.Wright, A.Gordon, C.Young, J.Huber, J.Clement, C.Snelling (where are the band-aids?), R.Cano, T.Tulowitzski, Z.Greinke, A.Miller, G.Floyd, J.Devine, J.Crain… I will take my chances with my core of guys 25 and younger any day. Of course prospects is just that. They are never a “sure thing.” ~Whitey

Date: February 16, 2006
Subject: Anaheim GM's jab

Here's a new article from Baseball America for the league to read. See how your prospect draftees stack up against the others... and keep your fingers crossed. Our league as a whole has done a nice job picking over this years TOP 50 prospect lists. I believe that next year's draft could be even tougher as the prospects are getting snatched up... and, hell yes, that is the Anaheim Ants with the top two catchers listed sitting in the minors, not to mention K Morales, Zimmerman, Hermida, Quentin, Cain, and Anthony Reyes. Take that Whitey!!!!

Date: February 15, 2006
Subject: Whitey is satisfied with 2006 draft results

St. Louis selects reliever Joey Devine and is now done with the draft. Whitey just lit up his first cigar and first scotch of the night. Propping his feet up on the desk, he mutters, "I love it when a plan comes together!"

Date: February 15, 2006
Subject: St. Louis GM responds to Toronto story on Herzog's "loose tongue"

Whitey was taken out of context on that one actually. I believe he said, "I would love to have Mr. Griffey on my team for the next four years!"... Ok, ok, Whitey may of been quoted with more than a few cocktails in him.

That is one heckuva find. I nominate Jim K as Attorney General of the SPIBL. ~Jim Sorochen, St. Louis Red Birds

Date: February 15, 2006
Subject: Toronto GM digs up some dirt on Herzog

While moving my email off of my old work account to the yahoo account, I stumbled across the following fun little email tidbit. We wonder how newly-signed Red Bird Ken Griffey Jr. will appreciate the following sentiment expressed by his new manager (see below).

We are in no way trying to stir up any trouble for our division rival, just sending this out to the league so they can enjoy it as I did. If it DOES stir up trouble... that was certainly not my intention. ~Jim Kies, Toronto Sharpshooters

From a press release on 10JUN04: Whitey Herzog was quoted as saying, "I crap better players than Griffey!"

Date: February 15, 2006
Subject: Herzog is loving the new idea of a Preseason Classic

Whitey is putting his blue face paint on and will the lead the Red Birds to victory!!!!!

Date: February 14, 2006
Subject: How Herzog spends his Valentine's Day

Whitey Herzog is spending Valentine's Day fishing... with 3rd round pick Jeff Clement. St. Louis gets a day off as they don't have any picks this round.

"I gave the wife $50 and told her to get a haircut and have lunch on me. I have to get on the same page with my young catcher. I am expecting this kid to give me another 6 or 7 years of managing. We're going over some pitchers' tendencies and doing a little fishing. Then we'll go back to the homestead and the wife'll have some dinner ready for us. Already got a case of longnecks on ice waiting for us!"

Even Whitey Herzog, that curmudgeon fellow, has his own ideas on Valentine's Day.

Date: February 14, 2006
Subject: St. Louis GM defends Whitey re: Florida and New York's comments

Whitey senile? We'll see how senile he is when he out-manages your a$$ during the regular season!!!!

Stan, Whitey's 2nd cousin's husband's uncle recommended Tutlowski to him.

Date: February 14, 2006
Subject: New York GM's response to Florida GM

I guess Whitey's "medicinal cocktails" turn any pick into a lottery ticket!

Date: February 13, 2006
Subject: Florida GM's response to Whitey's draft pick Tulowitski

Stan, I'm sure that senile drunk Herzog did not draft him intentionally. Yours sincerly, William Regal, Manager - Florida Slow-Players

Date: February 13, 2006
Subject: New York GM comments on Whitey's draft pick Troy Tulowitski

Hey, Whitey drafted one of my people! That guy's name makes mine look easy! ~Stan, NY Flatirons

Date: February 11, 2006
Subject: 2006 Opening Draft Day

After waiting 3+ hours, the other seven members of the SPIBL went to bed. Whitey Herzog, clad in his military fatigue pajamas, got the email from Paul, put in Florida's two picks, and put in the signature for Mr. Robinson Cano. Jeff Kent, welcome to 1B!

Date: February 10, 2006
Subject: Herzog is featured guest at league chat room

St. Louis officials are trying to arrange for none other than Whitey Herzog to make an appearance for the Red Bird organization tonight. GM Jim Sorochen will be too busy poring over the pages of data and printouts for the entry draft. Herzog, who claims to know nothing about “these crazy computers,” is being given a crash course on how to work a mouse for tonight’s chat. He is expected to join the festivities between 9:15 and 9:30.

Date: February 10, 2006
Subject: Herzog arrives; St. Louis ready to begin draft!

(AP) Whitey Herzog arrived late last night to the St. Louis Red Birds war room, nicknamed “The Bird Cage,” to assist in the upcoming SPIBL draft. Herzog was already in hot water in the first five minutes there. It appears there was a promotional tie-in to the “Bird Cage,” as Hollywood actors Nathan Lane and Robin Williams were there, reprising their characters from the 1996 movie (see IMDB.com if not familiar with the movie). Upon arrival, Herzog was shaking hands with St. Louis staffers when he came across Lane and Williams. “What in the <bleep> is this <bleep>? Who let the fruits in here?” railed Herzog. “Why, it’s our manager, Whitey Herzog,” smiled Lane while kissing Herzog on the cheek. “Get these <bleeping> <bleeps> out of here!!!!” growled Herzog, dry-heaving after the kiss. “Wait one second though, get a autograph from that Mork from Ork guy before you throw his <bleep> out on the street!” growled Herzog, biting off a tip of a cigar. “All right boys, what do you got for me? How’s our #6 pick looking,” continued Herzog, as the steel doors slammed shut behind him, sealing the management team off from the media.

Date: February 1, 2006
Subject: First exhibition game played

The St. Louis Red Birds defeated the MLB World Series champions, Chicago White Sox, 8-0 yesterday in its first exhibition game. Greg Maddux threw only 41 pitches in 5 scoreless innings for the win. David Wright, Ken Griffey and Jeff Kent hit 3 consecutive homeruns in the 4th inning to chase Chicago starter Jon Garland to the showers and Jeff Francoeur also homered in his first strat-o-matic at bat.

"We wanted to come in here, get our work in, and get a win," commented Red Bird manager Whitey Herzog. "Although this is a friendly exhibition, I want my guys to play 162 games", added Herzog, explaining his rationale in starting his opening day lineup. Herzog, looking remarkably trimmer than in years past, joined Maddux in running wind sprints in the outfield in the sixth inning after Maddux was done pitching.

Chicago manager Ozzie Guillen was gracious in defeat. "Good thing we don't have to play those guys this year. They are stacked! Whitey has a good team this year. I don't think he'll be needing the Rolaids as much. But hey, it's the first game, ya know? We'll be all right."

Date: January 27, 2006
Subject: Chronicles of Strat-O-Matic Opening Day from Glen Head, NY

Mike G (from Glen Head): We just arrived at Strat headquarters. It's a beautiful day. Sunny and cold. There are already about 100 in line. Perfect target for drive-by egging! T-minus 90 seconds until first beer is cracked open.

Mike G(from Glen Head): We bypassed the Line because it's too long and went to the bar down the street.

Jim S: Let me know if you see Whitey Herzog in there.

Mike G(from Glen Head): Dude, you didn't know?!?! The White Rat scurried his way down the LIRR tracks. He's with Mike, Stan, and I at the Iron Horse downing Killians.

Jim S: Tell Whitey not to give away too many trade secrets. My best to you and all the "Strat-o-Matic Fanatics." There we have it folks... another live update from Strat. Hopefully they remember why they made the trek up there and get their stuff soon! (only because they are picking up my stuff and I want to play some exhibition games later on tonight!)

Mike G(from Glen Head): Cards in possession!!! Going to drink. Hal blessed Stan's team.

Jim K: There is just something wrong with getting updates about beer drinking while I am stuck at my computer entering admissions dates. Someday I will have to make the journey, but it is a long one from Los Angeles. Kudos to you all for living the dream!

Mike G(from Glen Head): Just arrived at JJ Bittings Brewing Company. Reviewing cards. Drinking beer.

Mike G(from Glen Head): There are some disparities between what was seen on the website and what was actually printed. One example is David Eckstein is a 4 on defense.

Jim K: Really??? He was a "3" in the ratings book that strat put out as well. Wonder which was the misprint the ratings book or the card. On a more serious topic, has Whitey blown a gasket upon finding out his starting SS is not quite the defensive player originally thought? I thought that extra money I sent in with my card order might have helped with something.

Jim S: Whitey doesn’t know, but GM Jim Sorochen pounded his desk in outrage scaring his co-workers when reading this message. If he is indeed a 4, Hal Richman is a dead man. I sense Mr. Geles with a few pints in him is trying to rile me up. I believe he is a “3”. ~Jim P.S. If he is a “4”, he is immediately available!!!!

Date: January 24, 2006
Subject: Whitey's thoughts on David Weathers

St. Louis GM Jim Sorochen will listen to offers for David Weathers. I am not saying I am definitely dealing him no matter what but I feel there is a need out there for relievers and I do have a surplus of them. Weathers saved 15 games and had a 1.29 Whip in 80 innings this year in that Cincinnati bandbox stadium. Weathers has a salary of $1.7 million for this year (he is a FA at the end of the year). He could be a good fit for a team constrained by the salary cap but looking for that "workhorse" reliever. Whitey Herzog once said of Weathers, "I will go to war any day with Weathers. He doesn't look like much out there but that is one tough sunuva<bleep>!"

Date: January 23, 2006
Subject: Whitey as a player/manager?

If Armando Benitez goes to a NL team, I may have to do so. I would like to see Whitey race Frank Thomas in a 50 yard dash at this point. I’d take the odds and Whitey. Especially if there was a bottle of scotch at the finish line.

Date: January 23, 2006
Subject: Toronto GM makes a suggestion about Herzog usage

Hey Jim, if you decide to go with only 39 guys, you could actually activate Whitey as a player/manager in the 40th slot (a la Pete Rose). Wait a minute... if Whitey is not on a roster, does that mean I could draft him? Hmm... ~Jim, Toronto

Date: January 23, 2006
Subject: Whitey + beer = math genius

For what is worth, after Tier 2 results, LA and SD are projected to be OVER the salary cap. St. Louis manager Whitey Herzog was able to calculate this at the bar with beer nuts and potato chips. He wanted me to pass on the information.

Date: January 21, 2006
Subject: Whitey's response to an email sent to the wrong league

D'OH!!! Upon reading this, Whitey Herzog turned to his bartender and said, "I believe I have had enough tonight." Then he proceeded to walk home.

Date: January 20, 2006
Subject: Trouble with Runelvys leads to trade

St. Louis trades P Runvelys Hernandez to Chicago for Chicago’s third and fifth round draft picks. Apparently this trade was made due to recent comments Hernandez made to the news publication, “Latino Unidos.” Hernandez ripped Whitey Herzog over the whole Armando Benitez affair, calling Herzog, “A senile old man who plays his favorites, like Kent and Eckstein, while he treats very good players like Armando and Omar Infante like crap. Just because Armando blew a game or two over the years doesn’t mean he isn’t trying his hardest. He is one of the best relievers in baseball. Why does Whitey player-hate so much?”

Herzog was apparently on a fishing expedition in the Florida Keys and could not be reached for comment (for once!).

Date: January 17, 2006
Subject: Maddux signs large contract with Red Birds

The St. Louis Red Birds are happy to announce the signing of 39-year old Greg Maddux to be the "Veteran Influence" for their starting rotation the next two years. Maddux becomes the second Hall of Fame-bound player to join the Red Birds in the past three days.

"No question we paid top dollar for Greg. However with our oldest starting pitcher only 27, we felt Greg could be a surrogate father, pitching coach, and also 16-game winner for our organization. One of our young pitchers, Zack Greinke, has been called the "new Greg Maddux." Well, what better to learn from the master himself?" commented GM Jim Sorochen. "I've been involved with strat now for about 21 years now," continued Sorochen. "I've always admired Greg Maddux from afar. I have never been associated with him before, but I look forward to watching the last two years of his career here in St. Louis."

St. Louis manager Whitey Herzog was tracked down at the downtown Moose Lodge and commented over a cold Budweiser, "We're making the right moves here. The pressure is going to be on me. I better win 100 <bleeping> games or I'll be fishing in September! Maddux is a Hall of Famer and I am looking forward to having him out there every fifth day. He's certainly going to make my job easier. Hopefully he rubs off on Greinke and Backe and they develop into even better starting pitchers. Okay, I have to go now, I have to take a <bleep>."

Date: January 16, 2006
Subject: Runelvys and Raffy placed on trade wire

If anyone has problems filling out starts for their starting pitchers this year, I have a little excess in starting pitching. Runelvys Hernandez is good for 29 starts. First year coming off of Tommy John surgery, he didn’t have a good year by any stretch, but he does have some talent and could help a young, developing team in the future. So if the free agency auction and entry draft doesn't help you, remember Runelvys is available for your SPIBL needs.

Also at a lesser extent, Rafael Palmeiro is available. Last year of his contract, Raffy has a .281 AVG, .366 OBP and .489 SLG vs righthanded pitching. A good platoon partner, if needed. His drug tests have been clean since August and wants to end his SPIBL career on a good note. Asked why he may be available, St. Louis manager Whitey Herzog growled, “Oh I don’t know why? Do the math, <bleep> for brains.”

Date: January 16, 2006
Subject: Griffey press conference

Saying he wants to “bring a championship to a championship organization,” Ken Griffey signed his 4-year, $60 million deal this morning in St. Louis. Griffey was clad in workout gear, sweat dripping from his brow, as he signed his contract. Manager Whitey Herzog beamed like a proud father as his new cleanup hitter said all the right things about the Red Bird organization. Ken Griffey Sr., newly hired has hitting coach (replacing the shamed Mark McGwire), also smiled broadly as Ken Jr. put his arm around him.

Earlier that morning, stunned St. Louis residents who were out walking their dogs, saw Griffey jogging with a rope around his waist pulling Manager Whitey Herzog sitting on a bicycle, around the streets of St. Louis. Later, Herzog and Griffey retreated to a gym where Griffey was seen working on his footwork as he chased a chicken around while Herzog barked instructions.

At the end of the press conference, Griffey was seen slightly limping with a big bag of ice taped around his knee. St. Louis management ignored questions insinuating that Griffey had already “tweaked” his knee earlier in the morning.

Date: January 15, 2006
Subject: Free agent Griffey re-signs with Red Birds

At a hastily-arranged press conference on 'REDBIRD ONE' flying over the Ohio Valley, St. Louis General Manager Jim Sorochen announced the organization re-signed Ken Griffey to a 4-year contract worth $15 million a year. "Our organization, especially Whitey, really liked Kenny's desire when he came over in the trade late last year. We felt in the 1 1/2 months he played for us, he exhibited leadership to our youngsters and still exhibited the abilities that will take him to Cooperstown some day. We felt out of all the free agents available, his left-handed bat was the best bat to fit between David Wright and Jeff Kent in our lineup. We were in a bidding war with somebody whom I am not sure of, but we had to guarantee Kenny a 4th year to do so. I am sure there will be questions to the length of the contract but I must be perfectly honest with our fans: If we don't guarantee the fourth year, we don't get Kenny. However, I am extremely pleased that Kenny agreed to stay with us and we look forward to contending in 2006!"

Next up, Whitey Herzog stepped up to the microphone. Herzog, clad in aviator sunglasses, a hawaiian shirt matched with powder blue shorts with a half-eaten Cuban cigar in his mouth, had this to say: "I am very happy we got Kenny back in our lineup. Kenny was a little beat up the last few years but I just got off the horn with him and he feels he has four productive years left in him. Our medical staff is great, they even got me to lose a few <bleeping> pounds during the season last year. I'll watch Kenny and make sure those legs hold up. Plus I told him, "<Bleep> Kenny, give me just one good one this year, and I will get you that ring you want so bad!"

<EDITOR's NOTE - at this point, Herzog is interrupted by a reporter that Roger Clemens has signed with division rival Toronto>

"Oh yeah, Clemens is in our divison? What, am I supposed to <bleep> my pants in fear and cry to my mommy? <Bleep> Roger Clemens. He is a chicken <bleep> backstabbing son of a <bleep>. Bring him on. I like a fair fight. We'll be looking forward to facing Roger, that's for <bleeping> sure!!!"

<EDITOR's NOTE - at this point, GM Jim Sorochen whispers in Herzog's ear and Herzog steps away>

"I'd like to apologize to Mr. Clemens for any offense taken to Mr. Herzog's remarks. We respect Roger and his Hall of Fame career and look forward to the season to see who is the best on the field. Thank You."

Date: January 9, 2006
Subject: Free agent auction omission is discovered by Toronto GM

After completion of a verification process for the upcoming SPIBL Free Agent Auction, there was one omission that stood out boldly from the rest. Yes, of course, I am speaking of the infamous Armando Benitez. Simple mistake? Benitez's agent Scott Boros thought otherwise. At a press conference, Mr. Boros was quoted as saying "We will be investigating possible SPIBL collusion on this matter. My client took a lot of abuse from his former manager Mr. Herzog, and to have this now happen would seem to be to much coincidence for my taste. We know that Mr. Herzog was with the Sorochens during the holidays, and we leave it up to you to draw your own conclusions from there."

Neither Mike nor Jim Sorochen were available for comment, but a source very, very close to Red Birds manager Whitey Herzog had this to say: "Boros and Benitez can have all the <bleeping> investigations they want. Sure I.... I mean Herzog....was over at the Commissioner's house over the holidays, but these <bleeping> computers are so <bleeping> complicated that there was no way I .... I mean Whitey.... could have figured out how to delete <bleeping><bleep><bleep> Benitez. Did I.. ummm he... try? Sure. But after attacking the computer screen with an eraser and white out, and yelling into that little <bleeping> device (I think it is called a mouse) had no effect, I just pulled the <bleeping> plug... only to later find out that this too would not work. <Bleeping> technology."

So while Mr. Herzog may have had motive and opportunity, it seems he did not have the expertise to pull this off. More updates as the Boros investigation unfolds.

Date: January 9, 2006
Subject: Reaction from Red Birds camp re: Benitez omission from FA auction

Whitey couldn't of put it <bleeping> better himself!!!! Very well done!!!!

Date: January 9, 2006
Subject: Whitey agrees with decisions made by commissioner's office re: draft schedule

Good resolution Mike, it should be exciting and gives me something to do during the week after putting the baby to bed.

Unfortunately, this will add another payroll expense to the St. Louis Red Bird organization as Whitey Herzog likes to spend his weeknights at the Moose Lodge. So the St. Louis Red Birds hire Tom Brunansky as Whitey Herzog's chauffer/babysitter during the draft. His responsibilities will include making sure Whitey gets to draft headquarters one hour before draft time and making sure Whitey is still coherent enough to intelligently discuss draft options "on the fly."

Date: January 5, 2006
Subject: Whitey is excited about off-season activities

All these announcements the past two days has Red Bird Manager Whitey Herzog quite excited. "I haven't been this excited since the first time I ever saw David Wright swing a bat. I may even have to quit drinking for the next five weeks to get through all this!!!!" His mood quickly turned sour however when informed former player and nemesis, Armando Benitez, was in Tier 3 of the free agency pool. "Good luck to the manager that has to put up with his <bleep>", growled Herzog. "It's guys like him that are driving the lifers like me, Zimmer, and Jack McKeon out of the game. Another thing, the Red Birds could of easily acquired a certain CF with a attitude problem that likes board games", continued Herzog, careful to avoid any tampering charges. "My heart can't handle these prima donna <bleepers> anymore!"

With that being said, the St.Louis organization would like to announce the following hires: Don Zimmer - bench coach, Jack McKeon - special assistant to GM Jim Sorochen

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